Sunday, November 7, 2010

OMG he's giving me that look.

It's fucking November 7th and I'm watching A Muppet's Christmas Carol that I only have because I forced my 7 year old daughter to rent for me from the Library because I'm too cheap to just buy it *and* too lazy to get my own Library card. I'm an awesome mom. Should I add that I was the only one interested in watching it? Who's children are you?! It's the god damned muppets, for shit's sake! This is wholesome fucking family entertainment! Drink the sugarless Kool-Aide and like it!

So, I'm blogging. It's already going downhill, I can feel it already. I don't know why I'm blogging... especially since the keyboard on my tablet is funky and makes me feel like I have Godzilla hands (GODZILLA HANDS! OM-NOM NOM NOM - spoken with loud, growly voice) which is funny because I also feel like breathing fire soon if my son's don't stop dueling each other with their stick ponies I let them me buy at the dollar store earlier. I must have been drunk to think giving them the stern mom face and preaching rules would be effective. Now I just feel like a douche for even giving the speech... "If I see you swing those things ONNNNE tiiiime..." Shit, I'm stupid. I must have been sober, drunk me doesn't make those mistakes. Or is it that drunk me doesn't care? Meh, either way. (p.s. I can't believe I have to point this out, but I'm too classy to be drunk around my kids. Just an FYI. OK maybe classy is the wrong word. How about beautiful and brilliant? Yep. That's it.)

I'm digging into the Christmas shit a little early this year. I may or may not have some form of lights up already. (suck it) Last year I couldn't wait... because in December I was getting divorced and able to move in with my now husband of whom is the greatest man alive and can part water n' shit and we'd live happily ever after, forever and ever, AMEN. And we did. And Christmas was the best I've had in years. But THIS year we're having about 25 people over for Thanksgiving, so I thought maybe we should put the tree up... WHICH GOES AGAINST THE ONE TRADITION I HAVE STUCK TO MY WHOLE LIFE. You never, EVER, put the tree up until after Thanksgiving. Never. But now I want to decorate. And to suckle on the holiday joy teet for an ounce or two of optimism. So... now I'm going to be the asshole with my tree up early. I mean, I might be an asshole, but never a cheerful oh-mah-gawd-it's-Christmas-yay kind of asshole. I've had my neighbor try to plow up a wall of snow at the end of my driveway, blocking me in my driveway because we refused to pay him with the rest of the neighbors for taking care of our street... because he was a DICK about us forgetting. Fuck him. And his "second notice" taped to my door for shit I never agreed to pay in the first place.
Grr. Wait, what the fuck was I even talking about before I felt the urge to get stabby?
*reading back*
As yes, I'm an asshole. Coming soon, with a Christmas tree.

My husband is asleep on the couch. That means my blog post AND this movie have bored him into a coma. No wonder I don't do this shit anymore.

I bet you were wondering the point to me blogging today for the first time in almost a year.
There isn't one. I just felt the urge to swear a lot so the kids didn't hear it. So you may not hear back from me for another year.
Thanks for being my word vomit bucket, Suckers. POW!